Being completely open and honest I was unsure how open I wanted to be with our surrogacy journey. There are some things Jerrad and I have kept to ourselves or have just shared with our families. But I really want people to know the ins and outs of this process and if they are thinking about going through this process, exploring their options or beginning their own journey I want them to be able to read a true story and experience.
Surrogacy is something that is out there but is hard to find. If that makes any sense! It is slowly becoming mainstream but isn't quite there yet and obviously a big part of that is that it is not legal in every state. For god sakes New York just began its legal conversations over the past year. Luckily my husband and I live in New Jersey which is one of the states that it is legal in. To me I think that is ridiculous but that is another conversation for another time.
As I mentioned in my IVF journey posts, surrogacy was the option my husband and I deemed best for us. Obviously it is NOT for everyone and it is a very difficult process financially and mentally but it is what we chose was best for us. After having open-heart surgery we thought my chances of being able to conceive on my own would be better but unfortunately there was still a health risk for myself to give birth on my own. We ultimately decided that risking my health and life outweighed giving birth myself. So we opted for surrogacy.
There are a few different options you have when it comes to surrogacy. One is you have someone you know who will carry your baby for you, usually a friend or family member and this way you know the person and most likely will not have to pay them to do so. And your other option is working with a surrogacy agency. From an earlier post I mentioned that my husband and I signed on with a surrogacy agency back when the quarantine first started and then a couple short months later were gifted with the ultimate gift from a family member :)
We are moving forward with Jerrad's cousin being our surrogate but are also remaining on the list with the agency we chose. If you are looking to begin your surrogacy process or thinking about it here are the steps I recommend you taking.
1 - Make sure surrogacy is the right option for you. Jerrad and I still wanted to have our own biologically children but we decided it was unsafe for me to carry on my own. But keeping in mind someone else carrying your child for you is a mental struggle. Before you decide this option is best for you make sure you understand the process and accept the journey for what it is. For a lot of women we see having children as something biolgoical and something we are given life to do, not everyone, but a lot of us and when that is taken away from you it is something you need to grieve and accept before you move forward on this journey.
2 - Do your research on agencies. There are not too many surrogacy agencies out there since it is still a pretty small world in those regards, but do your homework and speak to the agencies that align with your thinking.
3 - Have conversations with different agencies before choosing. When we spoke with our agency we signed on with we knew within minutes it was the right place for us based on their views and the way they conduct business but we still made a point to research other options before signing.
4 - Understand the financial aspect of surrogacy. It is no small fee. There are costs for literally everything and anything. Make sure you are aware of all the fees and do not be afraid to ask questions, make sure you know EVERYTHING before deciding.
5 - Speak to others who have gone through this process. For us we spoke with a couple who had gone through it, we spoke with our fertility clinic, our families & our agency before deciding. And in the end it is up to you but having those conversations made the world of a difference.
6 - (Full honesty this is the hardest one for me) Remember that nothing is guaranteed in this process. It is not guaranteed that you will find the perfect surrogate immediately, it is not guaranteed that every appointment will go as planned and it is not guaranteed that she will get pregnant when originally planned. Obviously this is one that everyone dealing with pregnancy can understand BUT with surrogacy it is tough to not only accept that you are not the one giving birth to your own baby but everything is out of your control. This is the hardest part for me and I am still working through.
I will walk you through the process in another blog post. More to come!
