Just saying those words, panic attack, send heat up and down my body. This is something I was keeping to myself but also something I wanted to share because I do not think I am the only one who suffers with this.
I started experiencing anxiety when I was 20 years old, just after I recovered from my first major surgery after my lung collapse. It came on and off for the next few years and I got to the point where medication was necessary. There was a time that I was ashamed to say that but now I am proud that I did what I needed to do for myself. I have been on anti-anxiety medication for over 5 years and it is something I never looked back from.
Now onto panic attacks. A totally different animal. I have only experienced panic attacks a few times in my life. Some people experience them differently but mine always seems to have similar traits at different levels of intensity. I have not experienced a panic attack in years but when my honeymoon finally came i found myself having panic attacks in the middle of the night, and then at dinner and then during the day. Luckily after 3 days they subsided but it is something I have now been struggling with more than I ever have in my life. And for those who suffer from them my heart goes out to you because I know how awful they feel and how alone you might feel, but you ARE NOT ALONE. I am here with you.
I have been in therapy for years and something I have been through on and off since I am 10 years old and something I highly recommend. The issue with panic attacks is sometimes our subconscious shows up panicked at times you are not expecting it. That seems to be my issue. I was having panic attacks at my most relaxed, AKA my HONEYMOON or when I am sleeping or when I am winding down from my day and on the couch.
Now having a chronic illness when you have anxiety or have any abnormal feelings in your body your mind always goes to the worst and that is something that a lot of us struggle with. But unfortunately sometimes these mental states/attacks make us question many things and that is the true pitfall of panic and fear. I know to my core I am healthy, happy & a STRONG woman but when I am having anxiety or panic attacks I feel the exact opposite and that really affects me in more ways than 1. Now my panic attacks have gotten so bad it took me 2 days to get out of bed and more meds were taken than I was hoping, but I did what I could. I made extra appointments with me therapist, found a hypnotherapist (only had 1 appointment so far) and by day 4 I got myself out of bed and tried to get back on track.
Unfortunately I think so many people dont talk about their mental health enough and we seem to struggle in the darkness or alone. I would find myself walking my dog through the panic/anxiety and seeing people walking by and asking myself, "why cant i be normal like that again." and i think that is such a horrible way of thinking and that is certainly something I need to personally work on but I also think our society has not really embraced the mental health world making some of us want to hide.
My panic attacks were getting so bad I truly thought I was dying and the only thing that helped was Xanax and you know what I was ashamed to say that but right now I am proud that I did what I needed to do at that time to help myself and I am hopeful that things are looking up and I am on the upswing of this funk. I am here to tell you that while I may not feel back to my self just yet, progress comes little by little sometimes and that is hard to see when we are in an episode or in a funk. Dont forget to ask for help when you need it and reach out to others to help you.
